For a few years, I ate a very “strict paleo” diet.
It consisted of fish, eggs, meats, vegetables, and coconut oil.
I rarely ate fruits or starches. I never ate out at restaurants or at friends’ homes. I never touched a processed snack like a handful of potato chips. I never drank alcohol.
I most certainly never ate bread.
Now, it isn’t to say that that was entirely a bad thing. My diet was perfectly healthy…. in a way.
Nowadays, however, I eat much more flexibly. I’ll have a handful of chips. I’ll drink a glass of wine. I’ll have a Halloween candy or two. If a particularly tasty looking cake is being served in the dining hall, I’ll have a bite of my friend’s. I don’t go overboard and I certainly don’t stock my pantry with these sorts of foods, but when they come my way, I let them.
And it works for me.
Back when I ate strict paleo, I wasn’t doing particularly well, physically or mentally. If only I knew some things I do now, I might have saved myself a lot heartache and pain. Here’s a list of 5 crucial things I wish I knew when I ate strict paleo:
1. You don’t have to be paleo 100% of the time to get the nutrients you need
Paleo is an incredibly nutrient-dense diet. If you eat the awesome paleo staples like pasture-raised eggs, grass-fed beef, organ meats, wild-caught fish, leafy greens, a rainbow of other vegetables, and starches and fruits on a regular basis, you are most likely supremely well-nourished.
Having a meal that is less densely-packed with nutrients, such as some sort of mac-n-cheese or chicken-fried rice, will not make you nutrient deficient, I promise. Most nutrients last in the body for quite some time, and the most important ones, like vitamin A and D, can be stored in the liver for several months.
2. If you don’t have leaky gut or an autoimmune disease, you can eat grains occassionally without the world ending
The whole paleo diet world is a bit doomsday-esque about grains.
One experience of mine demonstrates this quite vividly: I was at a “famous” paleo person’s house during a paleo event, and the home was full of big-time paleo names. Just about everyone there was drinking tequila and “paleo margarita’s”, and some were even smoking cigars. During the after-dinner conversation I casually mentioned that I had had a bowl of Raisin Bran cereal the week before. Everyone gasped in horror.
Grains I believe need to be handled with care. For people who struggle with gut issues, who have an autoimmune disease, or who are trying to manage systemc inflammation, I think avoiding grains 100% is a must. I really, truly do. Many people need to eliminate grains altogether.
For the rest of us, I think it may be wise to err on the side of caution. I personally am not sure how I feel about the “toxicity” level of grains. To that end, I like to play is safe, and to generally avoid grains.
I also know that grains are not high quality food. They don’t really have all that much nutrition in them, and the nutrients that they do have can quite easily be cancelled out by their high phytonutrient content. Phytonutrients bind with “real” nutrients and flush them out of the body, such that they can actually be said to “steal” your nutrients from you.
However: grains can also be eaten by people without particular grain-sensitive issues without the world ending. If you don’t have an autoimmune disease, a cracker here or there, or a piece of cake at your friend’s wedding, probably won’t destroy your health. Grains are not optimal but they are not poison.
(For most people.)
If I had recognized this back in the day, I wouldn’t have been so fearful about food. I lived in fear so much of the time, because I thought any food that I hadn’t personally prepared might poison me and cause all these extreme gut and health disasters.
Turns out, they probably won’t, and I personally at least am not burdened with having to avoid grains 100% of the time in order to feel healthy and good.
3. Following diet “rules” can make you eat even worse
When I ate strict paleo, I followed strict diet rules: no booze, no carbs, no grains, no sweets, no treats.
Following these rules made me feel like I was deprived. I couldn’t help it: try as I might, I couldn’t stop thinking about all the foods I couldn’t have. I obsessed over them. I dreamt about sweet foods like it was my job.
Feeling so deprived and obsessive in the end was terrible for me, because it not only made me feel unhappy in the moment, but it also made me go off the rails in the long run. Then all of my “perfect paleo” would come crumbling down. I would eat a whole dessert tray full of pastries in an evening, for example. Or, on one particularly unhappy occasion, I ate several full loaves of dessert cake by myself.
Then I would feel terrible about myself and starve myself back in feeling moral, perfect, and “paleo” again.
Then I would feel deprived, and the whole cycle would start all over again.
If I had known then that it was the diet rules that were the problem in the first place, I would have been liberated. I would have been free. I would have been able to relax my grip on my life, and no longer swing between these violent extremes of perfect and disastrous eating.
The way that I now manage my eating is by thinking of paleo as a guideline. I eat paleo because I choose to. It isn’t a rule I have shackled around my diet. It is a healthy, life-giving and life-enhancing choice I make. I don’t have to eat paleo all of the time in order to be physically healthy and fit. I only have to choose it most of the time.
And choose it I can and I do, because now I have the power over food, instead of food having the power over me.
4. Wellness is about both physical and mental health
Sure, a handful (or, screw it, a whole bag) of potato chips isn’t the most awesome choice for my health.
But true wellness is about combining physical and mental health to make a happy whole.
Sometimes after a particularly rough day, some dessert really does hit the spot in a way that makes me feel better.
Or, if I am feeling homesick, I may be able to sooth my longing by baking that Irish soda bread my mother used to always make.
Back when I was strict paleo I never allowed my mental needs to weigh in with my physical needs. That was a mistake. It only ever made my emotional state worse, and never let me relax into myself.
If I had allowed myself to let my emotional self make some decisions around food, I wouldn’t have drowned in self-condemnation and harsh judgment. I wouldn’t have had to feel like I was at war. I would have been able to feel at peace with food, and to be able to eat more intuitively and lovingly.
5. Eating paleo won’t make you immortal
This is an important point that I still need help with.
Somewhere, deep inside of me, I am terrified of eating the wrong foods, because I am terrified of dying.
Some part of me thinks that if I eat the perfet foods all of the time, I won’t die.
Or I at least won’t have to die as soon.
Now of course there is some truth to this. Eating well is an important factor in a healthy life. Eating well can save you from Alzheimer’s disease, from autoimmune disease, from heart disease, and perhaps even from cancer.
But it will never make you live forever.
And it will never make you invincible against the invariable forces of chance and fate.
My terror around death drives a lot of my decisions. It drives a lot of the fear I sit with on a daily basis. It drives the choices I make, both big and small.
Fortunately, it is no longer such a big part of my relationship with food. I no longer obsessively control my diet. I no longer fear every tiny morsel of food because of the effect it may have on me. I am always careful to be good, but I am no longer a strict perfectionist about it.
And to be honest with you, in the long run, I think this is even better for me, because being purposeful and happy is just as much a part of a rich, long life as eating well, if not even more so.
Paleo won’t make me immortal. It may help me life well and happy, but I have to remember that it is only one of many factorss, and perfectionism about it – at least for me – does more harm than good.
And with dying, I bring my list of the 5 most important things I wish I knew back when I was so strict paleo. Now I am curious about your experience. How strict are you with your diet? Why? Why not? What has your relationship with paleo been like, and are you happy with it?
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It’s like you’re reading my mind! 🙂 My husband and I began our Paleo journey 3 years ago. We began with 30 days of “strict Paleo” and felt awesome etc. We have continued to eat Paleo for all our meals at home and rarely have foods in the house that aren’t Paleo friendly. When we go out to eat, we don’t give two flying effs what we order. Of course, some fried foods, not homemade breads etc. tend to make us feel like crap and over the last 3 years we’ve been more aware of that. However, when I did a Whole30 2 years ago, it’s like my relationship with food has been completely screwed up. I felt awesome after doing it, but then felt deprived and went off the rails. Since then I’ve really struggled with having a healthy relationship with food and find myself binge eating and going back and forth.
Glad I’m not the only one who had this same problem with Whole30. It’s definitely supposed to help you break food addictions but after all was said and done I may be worse off in my relationship with food. It made me fear things and strive for perfection even more so. I do think the program itself is great but there’s something deeper/emotional going on with many of us who have food addictions. It’s not as simple as simply not downing an entire pint of Ben & Jerry’s or going to town on a Chick-fil-a platter. I’m with Stefani on this one–balance, balance, balance. I love your and your husband’s approach–treat yo’self 🙂
Wonderful article, Stefanie. I agree with so much of what you said. Unfortunately, I am one of those fortunate people who suffers from an autoimmune disease and does choose to follow a very strict autoimmune Paleo diet = / However,although Paleo has been very helpful in managing my own health, I’ve realized that it has also paralyzed me in making recommendations for my own clients. Its like I believed that EVERYONE had to eat Paleo in order to be healthy. But the reality is that I know many people who don’t eat Paleo, yet do eat whole, nutritious foods the majority of the time, and are still healthy and thriving.
Question for you: What are your thoughts on white rice being eaten by someone with an autoimmune disease? Ive seen many in the Paleo community who do suffer from leaky gut or autoimmunity, being able to incorporate white rice in moderation and tolerate it just fine. Im currently eating to heal my hormones, adrenals and thyroid, and therefor consuming lots of carbs. Its difficult to get the amount needed from veggies, fruit, sweet potatoes and squash! Thanks for any advice.
I think it’s probably safe? No way to know for yourself for sure until you give it a try, unfortunately. 🙂
Love this and I 100% agree! I think it’s important to do strict paleo for 30 days and then introduce things back into your diet (like dairy, grains, etc) so you can see how those foods make you feel. If you don’t feel like crap after you consume it, then what’s the harm in eating it? I discovered that I actually don’t tolerate almonds well, but I can eat my beloved peanut butter and feel fine. Even though almonds are a very healthy food with good fats and nutrients, they just don’t agree with my body so I don’t eat them. And yet the paleo world is just in love with almonds for baked goods, sauces, etc so it was tough for me at first to get my head around the fact that no, they aren’t good for me! I think everyone just needs to find what works for them, and kudos to you for doing that!! 🙂
I’ve also found that as I’ve eased off of thinking I HAD to be strict paleo or keto or whatever, that my body image has significantly improved. I now focus more on what makes my body feel good, which doesn’t fall into paleo or keto but still focuses on real foods. And sometimes, it makes me feel good to eat a plate of potato skins or a brownie sundae. And I know how it will make me feel and I’m OK with it. I’m learning to love my body for the way it is, and not focus on the weight loss. I know that I’ve actually lost weight as my pants are looser, but I haven’t actually weighed myself so I don’t know the amount of pounds lost, because I just don’t care. I’m focusing on how good I feel. It’s very freeing!
I love this! My beloved and I also started with a whole 30 and went strict after realizing with the reintroduction that most foods didn’t work well. Since then we have come to the conclusion that strict very low carbs do not work for either of us, I handle occasional dairy better and he handles occasional seed oils better, and we both handle less food stress better. We enjoy craft beers or the specials when we go out, we enjoy the food while on vacation, and we know what our bodies cannot handle. We learn more everyday, but it’s learning and not failure. Some days it is still a struggle to not say “eff it all, I will just get fat” but I don’t miss the weighed down feeling of processed foods. Now only to convince my coworkers it’s not a diet that starts on Monday and I’m not a dog that deserves a treat…
Great great article! I am just coming out of my strict paleo diet mindset for a while and it is refreshing and encouraging to read this. I found that by focusing so intensely on the food that I was putting in my body I was really creating negative emotional reactions to certain foods and thus feeling like I would get sick if I even ate a morsel of a grain. I still am figuring out my perioral dermatitis on my skin and think that it is linked to some allergy or perhaps candida, but I am excited to heal my gut and get to a place where I eat the food because I want to eat wholesome food that makes me feel good. Not because I need to be invincible. Thanks for the read 🙂
This is such a great article. Thank u!! So many people struggle with control issues and food restrictions. Especially going paleo I found myself being quite strict but have since realized that is not good for my health so have eased up. I also didn’t realize u wrote Sexy by Nature. Love that book!!!! Thanks for ur insightful info!
I appreciate this article. In the beginning I was fairly strict with eating paleo bc it needed to become a habit and I needed to see what it could do for me and my family. We experienced many benefits. At some point I realized I didn’t want to completely ignore other foods, such as treats, at social gatherings. Wine helps me sleep some nights, so I couldn’t let go of that. (Don’t worry, I also use a natural sleep aid other nights–balance.) I try to keep eating clean, take supplements, try to exercise on a semi-regular basis. Indulging does come with a price for me, though, and I often don’t feel too well after eating certain treats. It’s become easier to stay away from those treats. I often use the phrase “paleo-inspired” when I describe my eating. I may never achieve my ideal clothing size, but I do believe I’m quite healthy, and I can say I’ve also eaten dessert first, because life is short.
LIFE IS SO SHORT. THUMBS UP!
I agree.. I’ve been going back and forth with pales for about two years now.. And when I manage to do it perfectly, I feel great.. And then I start thinking about everything I’m missing and I get down on myself and get off track.. I am now in the process of trying to have a much better outlook and stop worrying about so much the weight I need to lose and more about the way I feel.. I just finished reading your weight loss unlocked a couple weeks ago and am trying to slowly build new habits.. My one question.. Do you have any hints that will make it easier to stop snacking? Even if the snacks are healthy.. I find it very difficult to not grab a banana or a handful of nuts between meals, as it is so ingrained to do this.. Thank you for the read!!
I like to simply remove the snacks from my environment, whether that means working in a room far away from the kitchen or leaving the house. I know that sounds like cheating but it works well for me, simply keeping myself moving and with my mind occupied on my LIFE, instead of what’s in the pantry. I think snacking is okay, just so long as it doesn’t turn into never-ending grazing. And also think about Why you snack. If its because you feel hungry, then it’s perfectly okay! That means you should go ahead and snack or else maybe consider bulking up the amount you eat in each meal 🙂
Really amazing share. So much useful information above about paleo and its quirks. Thanks for sharing!
What a welcome relief to read your article. I very successfully did 10 weeks strict Paleo, lost weight, felt great and looked really healthy. I travel for work, a lot and being so strict with my diet caused a lot of stress. I’ve fallen off the bandwagon big time over Christmas and I’m struggling to get back, even though I’m now putting on weight again and eating sugar and chocolate like there’s a danger of it becoming extinct. I just can’t seem to get the same commitment back, even though I’m feeling rubbish and I know what I should and shouldn’t eat for my body to feel great.
This is a great post! I think there are SO many people in the Paleo community who become obsessive about Paleo eating when it should be more of a general way of life (unless of course you have food sensitivities or serious health conditions!). Also, I love that you make the point that eating Paleo will not make a person immortal. Many bloggers seem to be completely focused on every detail of how they can be healthier, but this isn’t mentally healthy! A person cannot be 100% focused and obsessed on perfect eating without getting a little bit crazy. I know that eating mostly Paleo will make me feel stronger and healthier, but feeling mentally and emotionally healthy is important to me too and too many restrictions will make me go nuts.
Lighten up people and if you want an ice cream sundae, just eat it! 🙂
This is a great post with so many excellent points. Brava! I also had a similar experience and wrote about “Why Low Carb Paleo Didnt Work For Me” I found that strict low carb paleo left me feeling unwell and created many fears/anxieties around foods. Cheers to a more relaxed attitude toward paleo eating. Thank you for sharing your experience!
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PREACH. Number 3 and 5 (especially 5) are sticking points for me. I’ve been a yo-yo super strict dieter most my life due to habits picked up from my mom (certain foods/food groups are evil and will kill you–grains, sugar, dairy, alcohol), then when I inevitably “screw up” and fall off the wagon, I fall HARD, usually face first into a wheel of cheese/bottle of wine/pint of ice cream/pan of brownies/insert forbidden food here. Whole 30 I think kind of screwed me up in that it reinforced my fear of certain foods–they say it’s a lifestyle, but not every lifestyle works for everybody. I’m lucky that I’m not trying to treat any diseases or obesity, so a more moderate approach to paleo really does work best for me (for now). Love your balanced approach.
Stephanie, I can’t thank you enough for writing and sharing this. I have been struggling off and on for years with “healthy” paleo-style eating, and it feels very black or white / perfection or failure. I struggle because I feel so much better physically while eating paleo style – I suffer from gut issues, namely chron’s disease, but following a severely restricted diet makes me mentally and emotionally crazy isolated, which isn’t good either. I tend to restrict, then binge, and all the while I have continued to gain weight. I am finally realizing even if I am following a diet for “health” reasons, a diet is a diet, even if I don’t choose to think of it that way, and diets don’t work. I have recently been hearing about a more compassionate way of treating oneself and one’s body, namely intuitive eating, and your post sounds somewhat eerily similar to this approach, I may have to explore this more. Thank you again for sharing your experience.